“It’s not corruption if you fuck it up,” says Matthew Guy — The Shovel

“It’s not corruption if you fuck it up,” says Matthew Guy

"We simply don't have the talent to pull something like this off"

Corruption can only be considered corruption if you have the competence to actually put it into action, Victorian Opposition leader Matthew Guy claims.

In a fiery interview this morning, Guy said there was no way he or his office would have the aptitude to actually be corrupt. “Even if we wanted to be, we’re so vastly lacking in talent, so desperately shit at everything we turn our hand to, that it’s inconceivable that we could set up, coordinate, and then execute some sort of dodgy pay arrangement.

“I mean, I literally had to ask my childhood friend to step in to be my chief of staff. That’s how thin on the ground we are. This guy was the best man at my wedding, so when I said he was the best man for the job I wasn’t joking. The truth is, he’s the only man for the job. There’s no-one else left.

“The point is, we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel here. We certainly don’t have geniuses on tap with the know-how to carry out some sort of elaborate piece of corruption. I’d love an extra $100,000 coming into my office, but fucked if I know how to do that. I can barely organise my own life”.

Meanwhile, Victorian Premier Dan Andrews said the Labor Party would be campaigning on an integrity platform at the upcoming election, and would co-opt hundreds of taxpayer-funded staff to help spread the integrity message.

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