{"id":24065,"date":"2023-05-05T15:07:45","date_gmt":"2023-05-05T05:07:45","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/theshovel.com.au\/?p=24065"},"modified":"2023-05-07T09:43:55","modified_gmt":"2023-05-06T23:43:55","slug":"your-guide-to-the-coronation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/theshovel.com.au\/2023\/05\/05\/your-guide-to-the-coronation\/","title":{"rendered":"Your Guide to the Coronation"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><strong>Did you know that the Coronation Spoon was originally used by King George IV during a heroin bender at Windsor castle in 1828? Steeped in history, King Charles\u2019s Coronation on Saturday evening (Australian time) will follow a set of rituals that has barely changed in almost a thousand years.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p>Here, we explain the history behind the eccentric rites and sacred ornaments. Use it as your guide as you watch this momentous event.<\/p>\n<p><!--more--><\/p>\n<p>11am GMT: The King will arrive at Westminster Abbey on a <strong>horse-drawn carriage.<\/strong> This follows a tradition first begun by Henry III after he found it typically fucking impossible to get an Uber in central London on a Saturday morning.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>The procession into the Abbey by dignitaries and Archbishops will then begin. At the head of procession is <strong>The Coronation Cross<\/strong>, a hand-crafted item which is made up of a number of relics, including a donation from the Vatican \u2013 a shard of wood from the cross on which Jesus Christ was crucified. It also contains fragments of wicker from Easter Bunny\u2019s original egg basket.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>The King and Queen Consort will enter Westminster Abbey through <strong>the Royal Entry<\/strong> (at least that&#8217;s what Charles has always called it). For this Coronation, King Charles is demonstrating sensitivity to the current economic climate by re-using the $4 billion Crown Jewels from last the Coronation, rather than rushing out to buy a whole new outfit.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p><strong>The Royal Regalia<\/strong> \u2013 the Coronation Orb, Sceptre, Ring and Sword \u2013 will then be laid on the alter. These items were first bought by King Edward I&#8217;s Mum as part of a \u2018Medieval Novelty Showbag\u2019 at the Canterbury Summer Fair in 1301. The Coronation whoopie cushion, which was also included in the showbag, has sadly been lost to history.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>The King will then be led to the <strong>\u2018Chair of Estate\u2019<\/strong> \u2013 stolen from a council housing estate by Richard III in 1484 \u2013 and presented to the people by the Archbishop of Canterbury. Charles will be clothed in the &#8216;Robe of State&#8217;, coloured red to represent the blood on the hands of the Royal Family following centuries of colonisation and plunder. Just kidding. It symbolises wealth and prosperity.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n<blockquote>\n<h2 style=\"text-align: center;\"><strong>&#8220;King Charles is handed the Coronation Fitted Sheet and is tasked with folding it neatly into a square. No symbolism here, it just adds to the spectacle&#8221;<\/strong><\/h2>\n<hr \/>\n<\/blockquote>\n<p><strong>The \u2018anointment\u2019<\/strong> &#8211; the most sacred part of the ceremony beings \u2013 as Charles strips down to a simple white garment, representing humility and \u2018the stripping of earthly vanity and riches\u2019 and symbolising that the royals have never done irony well.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>The Archbishop will then anoint the heir to the throne using the <strong>Coronation Spoon<\/strong> &#8211; a literal \u2018silver spoon\u2019, which is only used when a new monarch is anointed, and has been criticised as being a bit too heavy-handed, as far as metaphors go. The Coronation Spoon was, of course, originally used by King George II during a heroin binge at Windsor castle in 1760. It later led to the establishment of a safe injecting room in Buckingham Palace in 1764.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>The Coronation Spoon is filled with a special <strong>Coronation Oil<\/strong> and, as has been practised in every coronation since 1281, the new Monarch will add a dash of balsamic vinegar and salt, and dip in a piece of crusty bread. Delicious!<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>The King will then be handed the sacred <strong>Coronation Steak Knives<\/strong> \u2013 first acquired by King George II as part of a limited-time special offer when he bought two pillows in 1735. The Coronation Tampon will also placed on the alter, symbolising that time Charles went fucking weird and fantasised about being a menstrual product.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>Then, in a particularly special moment, King Charles is handed the <strong>Coronation Fitted Sheet<\/strong> and is tasked with folding it neatly into a square. No symbolism here, it just adds to the spectacle. Wonderful!<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>We move to one of the most solemn and important parts of the ceremony now, as The Archbishop of Canterbury hands King Charles <strong>the Coronation Banana<\/strong>, which has been used in every coronation since 1508. It\u2019s a little passed its best. Actually it\u2019s fucking disgusting. The thing is absolutely rancid. Tradition though.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>Once the King has rubbed some of the banana juice on his forehead, we move to a very sacred moment in the Coronation. Charles will accept <strong>the Coronation Bong<\/strong>, pack it, and punch 7 cones, one for each of the 4 countries that make up the United Kingdom and another 3 because maths was never the Royal Family\u2019s strong suit. This tradition was of course begun by Queen Anne all those years ago.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>Charles, as per tradition, will then perform the <strong>\u2018Calling For the Coronation Munchies\u2019<\/strong> exactly eleven times, before two royal guards bring out the sacred items: three pepperoni pizzas and a box of Cheerios, which are kept in the Tower of London and have not been restocked since 1953.<\/p>\n<hr \/>\n<p>And finally, to signal the end of the ceremony, trumpets will sound as the assembled guests join in the traditional <strong>Royal Chant<\/strong>: \u2018We Hate Meghan Markle!\u2019 \u2018Why Did She Straighten Her Hair!\u2019 \u2018Down With Meghan Markle!\u2019<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/theshovel.com.au\/membership\/\"><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-24072 size-large\" src=\"https:\/\/theshovel.com.au\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/05\/royal-member-support-tile-620x349.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"620\" height=\"349\" srcset=\"https:\/\/theshovel.com.au\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/05\/royal-member-support-tile-620x349.jpg 620w, https:\/\/theshovel.com.au\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/05\/royal-member-support-tile-240x135.jpg 240w, https:\/\/theshovel.com.au\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/05\/royal-member-support-tile-768x432.jpg 768w, https:\/\/theshovel.com.au\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/05\/royal-member-support-tile-1536x864.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/theshovel.com.au\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/05\/royal-member-support-tile.jpg 1920w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 620px) 100vw, 620px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Did you know that the Coronation Spoon was originally used by King George IV during a heroin bender at Windsor castle in 1828? <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":24066,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"content-type":"","footnotes":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[12],"tags":[],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v21.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Your Guide to the Coronation &#8212; 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