Confirming that the national televised address was now his preferred form of communication, The Prime Minister will this evening use a thirty-minute broadcast to call for calm about the troubling increase in incredibly weird hot cross bun flavours.
Broadcast across every television and radio network in the country at 7pm tonight, the PM will acknowledge the uncertainty Australians now feel when shopping for Easter, especially when faced with hot cross buns flavours like Doritos Cheesy Jalapeño and Wagon Wheel.
“We’ve seen innovation in the hot cross bun aisle before. But the introduction of these new products, that often just seem to throw together two totally unrelated flavours without any thought of the end consumer, represents a departure from established norms,” an advanced transcript of the speech reads.
The Prime Minister will seek to reassure Australians that he is on their side. “Just the other day I was in a supermarket and I saw a packet of Vegemite & Cheese hot cross buns, right next to a packet Rocky Road hot cross buns. That’s before I even saw the Arnott’s Mint Slice and Matcha & Raspberry options. And don’t even get me started about the fruit-free variety. Let’s just call them what they are – a bread roll.
“Still, as Australians, we have dealt with adversity before, and we will come together again to work through. There is no cause for panic”.
While some criticised the Prime Minister for abusing the national address format, a spokesperson for the PM said it was essential to show leadership in times of uncertainty.
“We believe it is important for Australians to hear directly from the Government on this issue before they are forced to make any snap decisions in the bakery aisle that could have lasting consequences on their taste buds,” the spokesperson said.
The Prime Minister will end the address by ranking twenty-eight different traditional supermarket hot cross buns, scoring them on fruit distribution, texture, density, spice, glaze and price.
