The geniuses running the Greatest Nation on Earth have spent $12 billion, killed 150 school children, fucked the oil market, ruined relationships with Middle Eastern countries, tanked the economy, set inflation rising, disrupted global trade, made the world less safe and tied the US military up for the foreseeable future in order to cunningly remove one fundamentalist dictator and replace him with another fundamentalist dictator.
“This is what winning looks like,” a spokesperson for the White House said. “Yes, there have been some costs, but let’s not underestimate what we’ve achieved here – we have totally and comprehensively changed the first name of Iran’s leader for ever”.
He said people had a tendency to focus on the negatives, rather than what had been achieved. “Sure, life for people in Iran may not get better – it could get worse. And yes, we’ve killed innocent civilians and lost some of our own soldiers. And yes, everything is about to get more expensive and international trade and travel is massively disrupted. And, yes we’ve permanently ruined our relationships with some of our allies and emboldened Russia. And sure, the billions of dollars we’ve spent already could have been used to fix our health system or our schools or our roads. But let’s not forget, the first name of Iran’s leader will never be the same again. That’s huge.
“The naysayers will always focus on the fact that this war is costing us a billion dollars a day. But what you don’t hear enough about is the fact that our actions have totally and permanently changed the answer to the trivia question, ‘what is the first name of Iran’s supreme leader?’
“Yes, a lot of people have unnecessarily lost their lives already, and more people will unnecessarily lose their lives in the coming days and months, but let’s not forget that our efforts have altered the Wikipedia entry on Iran’s leadership for ever”.
