Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro has expressed profound relief after confirming that a mysterious late-night flight on a private jet to a faraway island did not, in fact, require him to have sex with former US President Donald Trump, despite initial fears based on recent international precedent.
Speaking to the media today, a visibly relieved Maduro said he had spent the entire journey mentally preparing for “the worst-case scenario”, after aides informed him the trip involved secrecy, deniability, and a man with a famously flexible understanding of boundaries.
Insiders say the misunderstanding arose after Maduro’s intelligence team reviewed recent international developments and concluded that secret flights involving powerful men come with a ‘non-zero probability of physical expectations’.
“When they said ‘private jet’, ‘no phones’, ‘New York billionaire’ and ‘we’ll explain later’, I assumed it was going that way,” Maduro said. “Being locked up in an American prison for the next 30 years feels like a win by comparison”.
Trump said the reason for meeting with Maduro was strictly business. “It was very legal, very respectful, maybe the most respectful meeting anyone’s ever had”.
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Headline by Chris Auld
