US President Donald Trump says the United States will run Venezuela until such time as the media stops asking questions about his surprisingly close friendship with paedophile Jeffrey Epstein.
In a media conference today, Trump said that he was reliably informed that invading a sovereign nation usually buys at least six weeks of cable news coverage. “It could be more, who knows. We’ll stay as long as it takes”.
Asked why so many of the Epstein files remained redacted, Trump said US forces had captured the Venezuelan president in an overnight raid with lots of guns and tanks and flags. Pushed further on when more Epstein photos would be released, Trump said he had a beautiful image of Maduro in handcuffs, wrap-around sun goggles and headphones which he would post on Truth Social.
He finally addressed the issue of the Epstein files when a Fox News reporter suggested Venezuela could be behind them. “Many people are saying Venezuela has the worst Epstein files. The worst. Someone should look into that,” Trump said.
Pentagon sources said several alternative distractions were considered, including declaring war on TikTok, arresting the moon, and releasing a new line of Trump NFTs, before settling on Venezuela as ‘the cleanest option’. “Nobody’s thinking about old files when there are aircraft carriers,” one source said.
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Headline by Anthony Bell
