Japanese manufacturer Mitsubishi has won the race to build Australia’s next line of warships, thanks to the top-of-the-line military technology the shipbuilder promised to include in the bathroom facilities.
Reports say Defence Minister Richard Marles only accepted the deal with Mitsubishi once his demands that every battleship have “those fancy arse-warming shitters that spray your gooch” were met.
“The inclusion of these state-of-the-art waste management and comfort devices accounts for $9 billion out of the $10 billion warship deal, and it’s worth every cent,” Marles clarified.
As a result of this deal, the Australian Navy will receive three of Japan’s upgraded Mogami frigates— but more importantly, will have access to a full fleet of the Toto Washlet RW 2025.
“This warship upgrade is essential for our nation’s safety. With a sleek rimless design, the specialised Tornado Flush function, and Toto’s signature self-regulating seat warming technology, the Australian Navy will dominate the seas,” Marles bragged.
Since the announcement, the defence ministry has opted to include the futuristic toilets in the AUKUS submarine fleet, as the specialised toilets will be necessary for disposing of nuclear waste.
—
Headline by Anthony Bell
