Your creepy uncle’s favourite actress Sydney Sweeney has been awarded the Medal of Freedom by Donald Trump, in recognition of her services in helping the President distract the world from the Epstein Files.
After spending weeks trying to get the media and voters off his back about his connections to the infamous sex trafficker, Trump had exhausted every smokescreen at his disposal — short of accusing Obama of being a Martian who organised the Kennedy assassination.
But when all hope seemed lost, Trump suddenly noticed that he began being asked about his thoughts on Sydney Sweeney’s ad campaign for fashion label American Eagle, rather than about why he had referred to being offered a trip to Epstein’s Island as a “privilege.”
A few short days later, everyone had entirely forgotten that Trump and Epstein were friends for decades, all thanks to Sydney Sweeney.
“If it weren’t for Ms Sweeney and her beautiful pro-eugenics ad for jeans, I was going to have to release the Epstein Files” admitted Trump.
At an awards ceremony at the White House, Trump thanked Sweeney, and admitted that when he found out she was a registered Republican he “now had a third big reason to like her”.
“The only thing that would make me more attracted to Sydney was if she were my daughter,” said the President.
