In a decision which must surely infuriate US President Donald Trump, the Vatican has announced its first American Pope, in an attempt to rectify centuries of under-representation from the nation in Papal appointments.
Sources inside the Vatican said there was growing concern they had not met their diversity equity and inclusion targets. “For the last two millennia the office has been mainly held by European male Popes. It was time to give an American male Pope a go,” one Vatican insider said.
Some Americans were confused by the statement, saying they were pretty certain Jesus, as well as the first Pope, St Peter, were Americans. “I think you’ll find St Peter was from Utah,” one American said.
Asked whether the Vatican would ever consider extending its DEI policy to include women, a Vatican spokesperson said, “what is a women?”
The Vatican shut down rumours of a new DOGE (Department of Godly Efficiency) department, saying red tape and complex bureaucracy were vital to its ability to continue papering over historic sexual assault crimes.
