Residents of Woollahra, in Sydney, have woken to yet another outbreak of appalling grammar in what authorities believe is the latest incident in a spate of anti-semantic attacks across the country.
The grammatically confronting phrase “Why won’t they pack they’re bags to quickly go” was spray-painted by a vandal on the front of a local bookshop, of all places, leaving local syntax purists feeling threatened and afraid.
“He’s mixed up ’their’ and ‘they’re’ for starters,” said one distressed linguist. “That’s terrifying enough. But the real provocation is the split infinitive on the verb ‘to go’. If that’s not a grammatical hate crime, I don’t know what is.”
CCTV at the scene captured a van pulling up outside the bookshop at approximately 5.50am this morning. A hooded man got out of the vehicle and appeared to wilfully rip up a set of dictionaries and torch a copy of Roget’s Thesaurus, before spray-painting the offensive phrase on the bookshop’s front window.
English professors, teachers and other members of the correct grammar community say anti-semantic attacks like these are at an all-time high in Australia. Many of them say they don’t feel safe leaving their homes or libraries for fear of being exposed to a dangling modifier or a misplaced apostrophe.
They’re calling on the Prime Minister to step up and do more to stop the rise of anti-semantic attitudes in Australia. With an election only months away, the last thing Mr Albanese needs right now is a war of words with Australia’s most exacting wordsmiths.
“My government couldn’t of worked harder for Australia’s linguistic community,” Mr Albanese told a specially-convened meeting of grammar leaders in Canberra, before one of the leaders pointed out that it’s more correct to say the government ‘couldn’t have worked harder’.
The Opposition Leader Peter Dutton says Australia must not rush to judge anyone accused of committing anti-semantic offences. “At least they’re speaking English,” Mr Dutton said. “That’s one positive to take from this. They might not always get it right, but they’re having a go. And they all speak much clearer, plainer English than anyone I ever worked with in the police force.”
