Delivering on a campaign promise to make illegal drugs safer for festival goers, NSW Premier Chris Minns said he will personally test every pill and bag of drugs at music festivals to ensure they aren’t contaminated.
“There has never been a better time to get on the horse,” he began, while orally inspecting an ecstasy tablet. “I’d like to make it clear that this particular batch of E is top notch and you’re good to go,” he added, handing the empty back to a young lady with dreadlocks and giving a nod of approval.
Taking a moment to rack up two lines of premium Colombian marching powder and knocking them back in spectacular style, he went on to say, “LISTEN UP GUYS, GUYS! GUYS! GUYS! ENJOY THE TUNES AND LET’S HAVE A WORD ABOUT CRYPTO AFTER THIS PRESS CONFERENCE HEY? OH MAN YOU LOT SHOULD REALLY GET STUCK INTO THIS CHARLIE. DOES ANYONE NEED HELP SELLING THEIR HOUSE?”
When asked by one journalist about the upper limits an individual is able to handle, the Premier replied, “Look, the only man to have copped this many drugs and bounce back the next day is Charlie Sheen, so I’m not expecting to be able to handle this all by myself,” as he shelved what may or may not have been an ecstasy tablet or possibly a vitamin supplement – it was difficult to see.
“I’ve got some Federal support so I asked Barnaby Joyce to help out testing the booze but given he’s functionally immune to methanol poisoning, he might not be the best pick but we’ll see how he goes.
“Penny Wong is extremely supportive and has put her hand up to give the mushrooms a go and if she doesn’t have much on the day after she’s offered to have a crack at the LSD too,” he continued as he paused to take a massive bong hit. “By the end of the season, there’s a good chance we’ll have the Beatles back together.
“Going to have to wrap it up there, I’m about to go down the Special K hole,” he concluded, as he swallowed a heaped tablespoon of horse tranquiliser and promptly passed out.
__
By Adam Reakes
