Vice Presidential candidate JD Vance was being provided urgent medical care today after he discovered that the man used to justify his party’s policy positions was a single, childless, unemployed hippie with two dads.
As medical professionals rushed to provide oxygen, Vance could be heard yelling, “No! It can’t be true! Please tell me it’s not true!” before slumping to the ground and sobbing, “He owned a cat too, didn’t he!”
As he was placed onto a stretcher and into an ambulance, paramedics told him that he should “try to remain calm” and “no, there was no evidence of Jesus ever having a girlfriend”.
His heart-rate increasing, a panicked Vance asked, “But how did he achieve so much if he wasn’t in a heterosexual relationship with biological children? It just doesn’t make sense!”
Gasping for breath he stammered, “Did he … did he even own a gun?” before passing into a coma.
At the time of publication, Vance remained unstable.
