“Why Dutton’s Plan for New Flying-Mermaid Cheese Planets Makes Economic Sense” — The Shovel

“Why Dutton’s Plan for New Flying-Mermaid Cheese Planets Makes Economic Sense”

A guest post by The Australian’s Economics Editor, Judith Sloan

“This week Peter Dutton released his much-anticipated plan to build a hundred new planets out of cheese by 2035. It was a relief to finally see a mature proposal put forward for solving Australia’s energy crisis.

According to Dutton, the new planets will be built by flying mermaids, with cheese grown in bat caves using yet-to-be-developed dragon-fire technology. Which, when you think about it, makes perfect economic sense.

While News Corp hasn’t advocated for, or even heard of flying mermaid dragon-fire cheese before today, now that it’s been fed to us as a Coalition talking point, it couldn’t be clearer that this is the only way forward for Australia.

The benefits, although they haven’t been articulated or costed in any way, are so obvious, they don’t even require explanation.

What we should be asking ourselves instead, is why Labor is standing in the way of spending an unknown amount on dragon-fire cheese planets built by imaginary mermaids. By stubbornly refusing to even consider ideas such as these, as usual, they are holding Australia back.

As anyone who has read the press release leaked to us today will tell you, Cheese-Enabled Planetary Technology (CEPT) is a far superior form of energy generation to wind and solar. And without the need for ugly panels or turbines (see image above).

It’s important to point out that the often-referenced CSIRO modelling, which claimed that building cheese-based planets using mermaid labour was “fucking ridiculous”, is based on flawed data. Their assumptions that mermaids and dragons don’t exist are nothing more than that – assumptions. Clearly the ‘scientists’ at the CSIRO haven’t read the Coalition’s extensive one-page analysis which shows that mermaids, once invented, can build cheese-based celestial objects quickly and affordably.

Dutton’s plan is the well-thought-through energy solution we’ve been waiting for for decades. As Peter Dutton so eloquently explained this week, the bat caves can be up and running within a year, and the first twenty cheese planets can be fully operational and producing electricity by the end of the decade. This is the level of certainty Australians so desperately need.

No doubt the usual naysayers will rear their heads. They’ll complain about the lack of costings, proven technology, and community consultation, or the fact that planets made out of cheese could melt as they rotate around the sun. Some will claim that cheese planets don’t exist. But that’s merely a ploy from desperate hecklers trying to distract you from what is clearly a sensible economic plan for Australia’s future.

As we head to the next election, Australians will have a choice to make. Do they want wacky energy solutions dreamed up on the back of an envelope? Or do they want cheese planets built by mermaids and powered by dragon fire? I look forward to sharing my further thoughts on the merits of cheese-based power in a further seventy columns between now and then”.



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