The scope of Australia’s inquiry into the COVID-19 pandemic has been broadened and will now seek to understand what the actual fuck Scott Morrison was doing putting his fingers in a stranger’s hair in early 2022.
The review has been extended from 12 months to two years in order to give experts enough time to examine why the former Prime Minister walked into a hair salon, put on an apron and intimately washed the hair of someone he’d never met before.
“Like the rest of the inquiry, we’ll examine this from every angle possible,” a spokesperson for the inquiry said. “And because the former Prime Minister invited fourteen TV cameras in to film him washing this woman’s hair, we’ll have access to all of those angles”.
The inquiry will have wide-ranging powers and make recommendations to Parliament for future responses. “We need to learn from this and make sure that next time a creepy 52-year-old man claiming to be the Prime Minister walks into a hair salon to hijack someone’s cut and colour, we shut it down immediately”.