Boris Johnson has pulled out of the Tory leadership contest, despite not being completely finished fucking the country. It is believed to be the first time he has pulled out early.
Sources say Johnson, who has at least seven children to three different women, took a rare moment to reflect on his life choices, had a long look at the quivering British masses and decided to do a runner before there was any further mess to clean up.
Johnson said he found the familiarity with Britain off-putting, having fucked it many times before. He is looking at alternative opportunities abroad.
A lot more to come.
With @AdamReakes
