Saying he didn’t want to upset anybody by making any bold decisions, the PM has committed to legislate a ‘readily achievable’ 43% reduction in the role of unelected hereditary monarchs in Australia by 2030. The announcement comes despite a community sentiment for greater action on replacing inefficient and expensive modes of power with locally sourced, renewable presidents and Indigenous voices.
The 43% target was “a clear mandate for a sort of Republic, sort of,” Albanese told a press conference today. “Australia’s sources of power depend on a baseload of distractible punters who’d rather binge The Crown than read our actual policies,” he said. “Let’s not be too ambitious here”.
The PM reiterated that Australia’s thriving Royals industry would continue to produce documentaries, special features, retrospectives, commemorative plates and constitutional crises for decades to come, but announced a taskforce aimed at increasing locally produced tea towels featuring the Queen’s 1952 visit to Melbourne.
Standing dejectedly next to Albanese, Assistant Minister for the Republic Matt Thistlethwaite cited Australia’s deep cultural connections with the Royal Family, most recently Tony Abbott’s attempt to introduce a system of nobility into a 21st Century democracy. “Let’s not let perfect be the enemy of…fuck OK, whatever. Do I keep my flight privileges?” Mr Thistlewaite said.
Opposition Leader Peter Dutton demanded that Labor abandon its “woke democratic” target and urged the government to explore other modes of power for Australia’s future. “Albanese is queasy about standing up for traditional, stable sources of power, and we can do better. Look at 1930s Italy. They had a king AND a strong, bald statesman running the show. We can take inspiration from that,” he said.
By Tim Hall
