People Are Panic-Buying Shovel Memberships And If You Don’t Buy One Now You Might Miss Out! — The Shovel

People Are Panic-Buying Shovel Memberships And If You Don’t Buy One Now You Might Miss Out!

Hello Shovel reader,

You’ve probably heard by now that there’s been a huge rush on Shovel memberships over the last few days, so if you haven’t bought one (or several hundred) yourself yet, you should seriously consider it before they totally sell out across the country.

Another one sold just then.

The memberships start at just $3 a month and include amazing goodies like a Tony Abbott Memorial sticker, discounts to live shows, signed copies of the Shovel Annual, a Go from Scott Morrison and a ‘How To Read Peter Dutton’s Body Language’ fridge magnet. The last one can double as toilet paper too – so that alone is worth a year’s membership fees.

There goes another one.

Hordes of people – including a lot of people that you know – have been filling their online shopping carts with memberships. Do they know something you don’t?

Four more gone.

Some people have even been stockpiling memberships for their friends and family. Yesterday two people got into a physical fight over a membership. And here you are just sitting there instead of grabbing the last one.  Don’t you feel a sense of mild panic that you haven’t got one? You should.

Last chance.

Seriously, what are you waiting for? What if you get hit by coronavirus and you have to self-isolate for two weeks and you can’t read The Shovel because you’re too guilty for not making a financial contribution. You might be forced to read lesser satirical substitutes like The Daily Telegraph. 

Quick! Don’t be the one loser left without a membership. Immediately follow what everyone else is doing and buy one now!

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