Local Terrorist Calls It Quits After Dole Payment Threat

terrorist

Saying he believed in jihad, but not that much, local terrorist Sam Hughes* has decided to call time on his terrorism career after the Government revealed his $240 weekly Centrelink payment would be cut.

“I’d go a long way for my cause – I’d die for it. But I’ve always said you’ve got to draw the line somewhere,” Mr Hughes said.

Hughes will return to regular society next week.

(*not his real name)

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6 Comments

  1. Avatar

    Tony

    August 17, 2014 at 11:26 am

    Great result. Next step is disability – according to Erica Betz, cutting their pensions will make the blind see and the crippled walk!

  2. Avatar

    Ian

    August 17, 2014 at 4:06 pm

    And if Smokin Joe cuts the pension then we wont have the poor clogging up the roads…

  3. Avatar

    Maybe Satire

    August 18, 2014 at 7:35 am

    Dear Mr Shovel,

    Your story is typical of the misrepresentation by sympathisers of the Labor Party – the party who have caused and continue to cause all the problems the present government is facing. If it weren’t for Bill Shorten, all Australians would already be benefiting from the enlightened policies of our government with higher university fees, medicare co-payments and the ability to denigrate minorities without the fear of falling foul of section 18C.

    Now, you are simplifying and ridiculing our policy by implying it won’t stop terrorism in its tracks. Of course it will and it will also single-handedly solve our budget crisis if the obstructive Senate doesn’t delay it.

    Research has shown that the unemployed tend to be more drawn to terrorism. Therefore all unemployed are terrorists and we can strip benefits from all of them. This far exceeds our original strategy of delaying benefits to just a group of younger discontents.

    By starving these layabouts into submission, we will also smash their terrorist ways and defeat terrorism. Moreover, since the unemployed will now be totally unable to afford petrol, we can insure that the rich are the only ones who can drive cars – this means that the fuel excise will become a progressive tax.

    As you can see you now have a government of adults who are developing a coherent strategy to combat the dreaded Budget Crisis caused by the dishonest labor Party who flooded our country with terrorist boat people.

    Finally let me remind you leftist sympathisers of the Shovel, we have got your metadata,

    Yours faithfully,
    T Abbott, J Hockey & G. Brandis

  4. Avatar

    Maybe Satire

    August 18, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    “ensure” not “insure” – how could our infallible revered leaders ever make such an elementary mistake?

  5. Avatar

    Sy

    August 21, 2014 at 6:43 am

    @Tony: This isn’t fair really, there are people with genuine needs who are need of disability aid. Many people on disability-related benefits would like to work, and some of those will volunteer if/when they’re feeling able – for which of course, they get nothing back.

  6. Avatar

    mark

    August 27, 2014 at 12:37 pm

    “All your metadata are belong to us”