Australia Loses First Round Of Asylum Seeker

Scott Morrison satire

Australia has narrowly lost the first match of Asylum Seeker, in a disappointing start to the five Test series against Indonesia.

Under the rules of the increasingly popular game, participants have to throw a boat full of people back and forth across the Timor Sea, while being careful not to lose too many occupants. The last player to touch the boat before the siren sounds loses the game.

Australian captain Scott Morrison said that, despite the loss, there were positives that could be taken out of the gruelling opening encounter. “I thought we played pretty well today. We talked before the game about how we’d break down Indonesia’s defences and, while it didn’t unfold exactly how we’d planned, I think there are some good signs there. We’ll bounce back in time for the next match”.

Asylum Seeker fans hoping to watch future matches may be disappointed however, with the teams failing to come to an agreement on live telecasts. Morrison said his side wasn’t after fame. “We’re not looking for any TV coverage or publicity or anything like that,” he said.

The Shovel is Australia’s satire website. For more, follow The Shovel on Facebook and Twitter


  1. Avatar

    edward eastwood

    November 11, 2013 at 7:37 am

    Bloody brilliant – as usual. Keep ’em coming Shovel!

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    November 11, 2013 at 9:22 am

    It’s a custody battle.

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    November 11, 2013 at 11:26 am

    Yes, Shovel, you have done it again. Not sure if the series will be limited to five matches, though. Also, I’d like to know who is in charge of the siren.

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    kevin armstrong

    November 11, 2013 at 5:18 pm

    Australia lacked the balls to win this one, but let’s give the spinners another go.

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    November 12, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    I vote that instead of asylum seekers, we fill the boats with Australian politicians and corporate CEOs: we can have the ‘pre-boarding selection’ where those who are screwing over the Australian public the most get to go to the top of the boarding party list. There can be weekly public ‘phone in voting’ to go with the Friday Night Roundup, where a panel of witty and intelligent individuals get to introduce the week’s contenders; we can have the Bloopers of the Week where every stupid thing the pollie has done in the previous seven days can be highlighted-repeatedly, with increasing mockery- and then by Sunday we’ll have the ‘Sunday LoveBoat Lovein’ where boatloads of gaily dressed GLBT supporters, women’s rights supporters, scientists, parents with school aged children, individuals with an interest in anything intelligent, bikers, asylum seekers and anyone else who wants to join in the fun can escort the SS Leaky Lamearse out to sea, accompanied by enthusiastic cannon fire from the Australian Navy escort vehicle. Hurrah! I can see a huge and profitable market for this upcoming season of If We Can’t Shoot ‘Em, What’s Next?

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    November 20, 2013 at 9:39 am

    Latest news: Indonesian fury at Australian PM Tony Abbott over spying revelations disappears after Rupert Murdoch buys 70% of Indonesian media. Jakarta Press corp now praise Abbott’s ‘firm’ leadership and campaign for the abolition of the ABC. Chris Kenny appointed Indonesian ambassador. Downloading pirated Fox videos in either countries made a capital offence.