When We Said We Wanted The Australian Dollar To “Go Down”, We Actually Meant “Stay The Same”

Australian satire

Australians have come to the realisation that life will be an absolute misery with a lower Australian dollar. It comes just months after Australians came to the realisation that life was an absolutely misery with a high Australian dollar.

Economist Trudy Jenkins said the above-parity levels that have persisted for much of the past three years were “way too high”. She added that the recent below parity levels, were “much too low”.

Meanwhile, retailer Gerry Harvey, who recently said the high Australian dollar was killing his business, said the lower Australian dollar was killing his business. He labelled the Australian Dollar ‘un Australian’.

Mr Harvey suggested doing away with currency altogether and using small white goods as units of trade instead.

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  1. Avatar

    edward eastwood

    June 21, 2013 at 1:32 pm

    Phew…that’s a relief! When I read the first part of the headline in my inbox, I thought that you meant something else…

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    June 21, 2013 at 2:45 pm

    It’s a little known fact that the value of Australia’s currency is controlled by a shadowy cabal of fiscal fiends who go by the name of “The Gnomes of Zurich”.This Murdochish cabal of nefarious Swiss demons had previously raised Mr Harvey to exalted position of 5P which means he is considered a”Perfectly Peerless Paragon of Perfection Person”.This high accolade was previously only granted to Gina Ironheart”
    The news that he was going to use white goods as a means of exchange had thrown a normally sedate group of bureaucrats into a frenzy of pencil sharpening,this came at a bad time because they where chairing the Bilderberg Group at that moment.But relying on the central tenet of their creed,this being the “Divine Right of Bureaucrats”,they came to the obvious conclusion that big JH had forgotten the main principal of Darwinian capitalism,this being “Survival of the Cheapest”
    As punishment for Jerry’s crime the dollar was lowered to a level that would cause angst among people of that ilk,a sign of this was John Symonds buying generic brand food at Aldi.
    The Gnomes are confidant that the restoration of the Abbott dynasty to the position of the Supreme Leader will restore the kind of Howardesque stability that Ms Gail Kelly et- al are used to expecting.
    However the prudent among us are quietly purchasing large stocks of toasters etc just in case.

    • Avatar


      June 21, 2013 at 5:30 pm

      My dad used to tell me about the Gnomes of Zurich when I was a little girl… and that was many, many years ago … like 50+ years! I used to think he was telling me scary fairy stories. I should have listened more closely. Also stockpiling white goods… just in case!

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      June 21, 2013 at 5:50 pm

      Hahaha too funny & very well written

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      edward eastwood

      June 21, 2013 at 6:41 pm

      A very wise decision… to coin a phrase. I wonder what Jerry will give me for that enamel piss-pot I’ve kept under the bed for all these years? Should be worth a bit, after all, I named it after him.

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        June 24, 2013 at 9:50 am

        Let me guess Edward,you’ve named the pot the Jerry can?
        Whenever he makes a public statement,such as why are we paying people welfare,when the commentators who ask him to elaborate on that he gives his stock reply, I am only a horse and cattle breeder nowadays,I don’t get involved with every day matters.
        I think the moderators are going to tell us to stay on subject.

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    June 21, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    But I want the benefits of a low Australian dollar AND the benefits of high Australian dollar AT THE SAME TIME !!!

    I want it and if I do not get what I want it must be GILLARD’S FAULT !!!!

    • Avatar


      June 21, 2013 at 5:12 pm

      Surely it must be the fault of both Wayne”swan song”Swan and Penny”drop”Wong,they had possession of the cheque book.Political protocol dictates the Supreme Leader is infallible,as per the divine right of kings, or queens for that matter.The Divine one will tell us in her memoirs that it was all the fault of the previous Liberal Reich.