Alan Jones reassures Australia that the Higgs Boson Particle doesn’t exist

alan jones (image from SMH)

Radio journalist and respected scientist Alan Jones told his listeners on 2GB this morning that the Higgs Boson Particle – supposedly ‘discovered’ after almost fifty years of research – is just a cooked-up conspiracy from physics extremists.

Despite thousands of scientists working on the project for many years, Jones says he knows the truth and claimed the fanfare surrounding the particle was “an assault on common sense”.

A close up of Alan Jones's tie

A close up of Alan Jones’s tie

“Look, it’s just preposterous to claim that something could be that small – so small you can’t even see it. I’ve tried cutting a grain of salt into quarters – which would leave you bits that are still much bigger than this Boso particle – it can’t be done. Try it yourself”.

Jones says he has received “thousands” of letters from concerned listeners asking him what they should do about the Higgs Boson Particle. “I told them – and remember I spend a lot of time on correspondence – I told them just to ignore it. Pretend it doesn’t exist and it will eventually go away. There are Australian families out there struggling to put a meal on the table each night. The last thing they need is another particle you can’t even see”.

Jones will be holding a rally called “People Against Particles” in Canberra next week.

The Shovel is Australia’s satire website. Like The Shovel on Facebook. Or follow The Shovel on Twitter.

You might also like: Alan Jones’s 2GB Fact-Checker Quiz

29 Comments

  1. Pingback: Alan Jones puts forward suggestions on how to fill airtime, now that his show has no advertisers « The Shovel

  2. Avatar

    Tim Roberts

    December 21, 2012 at 5:24 am

    Getting a carton from the fridge for a cold drink, and going to the supermarket (where milk comes from!) when you need more.. is common sense. Go home little Alan. #wanker

  3. Avatar

    Rick Johnson

    December 24, 2012 at 12:44 am

    If he thinks a grain of salt cut into quarters is as small as it gets, his brain would be struggling to exist as well then. Maybe we should pretend it is so small and doesn’t exist and ignore him. How this person manages to get air time is beyond me.

  4. Avatar

    Jane Hall

    October 9, 2013 at 7:50 pm

    Alan Jones – the gift that keeps on giving …

  5. Avatar

    Terry Wilcox

    October 9, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    Know’s all……but nothing…..pfffft !!!!

  6. Avatar

    Steve

    October 9, 2013 at 8:07 pm

    LOL I don’t think TIm or David quite get it :o)

  7. Avatar

    Trilby Ulyanov

    October 9, 2013 at 8:28 pm

    “Pretend it doesn’t exist and it will eventually go away.”
    Which is what we should be doing with Alan Jones.
    The real “assault on common sense” is listening to what this joker has to say.

  8. Avatar

    Michael Duggan

    October 9, 2013 at 9:03 pm

    Hey Alan you sound like such a talented & knowledgable person you should become a scientist!!!!He’s obviously obviously never heard of a Microscope, Do you squeeze oranges by crushing them against your forehead do you Alan?!? Why is it that people take this flat earth conspiracy LOONIE seriously?!?

  9. Avatar

    Peter

    October 9, 2013 at 9:09 pm

    And if we cut the obituaries out of the newspaper, nobody dies.

  10. Avatar

    Darin Sullivan

    October 9, 2013 at 10:25 pm

    Reblogged this on DarinSullivan.net and commented:
    Alan Jones – scientist

  11. Avatar

    dave

    October 10, 2013 at 12:45 am

    I think the irony may have been a little overly subtle. Or maybe this is exactly the kind of thing that moronic ass hat would in fact say ….

  12. Avatar

    LW

    October 10, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    all taken with a (quarter of) grain of salt!

  13. Avatar

    BronL

    October 10, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    Too funny. Sadly, apparently also a bit too believable.

  14. Avatar

    uloola

    October 10, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    At least he hasn’t blamed those rabid lefties from the ABC.

  15. Avatar

    Pete

    October 10, 2013 at 3:46 pm

    No….he’s joking right? No one can be that stupid. Funny shit if he’s making a joke. Quite a bit embarrassing if he isn’t.

  16. Avatar

    uloola

    October 10, 2013 at 4:03 pm

    I may be wrong but I think Higgs was the Bosun on the Costa Concordia,but I’m not cerntain.

  17. Avatar

    Peter Weeks

    October 10, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    Hmmmm I think a few people have not realised that this is The Shovel – ‘Australia’s second favourite source of satire, after Today Tonight.’

  18. Avatar

    Mike

    October 10, 2013 at 5:32 pm

    No….he’s joking right? NOPE he aint
    No one can be that stupid. Yes they can be and HE IS
    Funny shit if he’s making a joke. Alan Jones doesnt joke. he doesnt know HOW TOO
    Quite a bit embarrassing if he isn’t. Yes quite embassassing for the rest of us who have to put up with him and his type.

  19. Avatar

    janama

    October 10, 2013 at 8:56 pm

    exactly where is your evidence for Jones’ statement?

  20. Avatar

    Damien

    October 10, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    Read this before you post a comment:

    ** This site is satirical, what is reported in it didn’t actually happen! **

    The real embarrassment for Mr Jones is that so many people believe he is stupid enough to say that!

  21. Avatar

    Ian Joyner

    October 10, 2013 at 9:40 pm

    Alan Jones’s brain is smaller than a Higgs Boson – so I am ignoring that as well.

    (Although from what I understand the HB is quite a large particle.)

  22. Avatar

    Marshall

    October 10, 2013 at 9:41 pm

    Interesting that a Bachelor of Arts and a teaching diploma makes Alan Jones a scientist.

  23. Avatar

    Kevin

    October 10, 2013 at 11:14 pm

    Follow-up story: Tony Abbott appoints Allan Jones as his science advisor

  24. Avatar

    Eileen Naseby

    October 11, 2013 at 7:21 am

    You’re pulling our legs aren’t you?

  25. Avatar

    Extispicy

    October 11, 2013 at 9:42 am

    Um, you all know what satire is right?

    • Avatar

      uloola

      October 11, 2013 at 10:30 am

      Once you accept that Alan lives in a parallel universe then his views become logical.

  26. Avatar

    Sally

    October 11, 2013 at 10:21 am

    FFS, this is satire guys. I’m not sure what’s more hilarious – the article, or some of the comments here. Yes Alan Jones is a knob, but this a parody. If you actually read the article, it’s pretty clear.

    In fact, the very first sentence “Radio journalist and RESPECTED SCIENTIST Alan Jones” makes it pretty obvious.

  27. Avatar

    Andrew Trump

    October 11, 2013 at 10:53 am

    Ummm….. Perfect examples of the dangers of irony are on show right here. The article was funny, but some of the responses are hilarious!

  28. Avatar

    jeff bridge

    October 11, 2013 at 11:04 pm

    wow, from reading the comments to this article, it really makes it clear just how stupid people really are. I can’t believe so many people don’t understand this is a joke.