Al Qaeda claims responsibility for Melbourne’s Myki ticketing system
Abdul Hameed Muhammad, a senior figure in Al Qaeda has declared that the terrorist group is behind ‘Myki’, Melbourne’s new public transport ticketing system. In an extensive interview with the Al Jazera news network, Muhammad said that a Melbourne-based Al Qaida cell had been working on the project for years.
“We were looking for a way to cause mass disruption and distress in a major Australian city,” the terrorist explained. “We considered bombings and suicide attacks, but in the end imposing a half-baked, semi-functioning public transport ticket system on an unsuspecting public was the best way to bring the city to its knees”.
Since the system was launched last year millions of Melbourne commuters have had to endure the daily ritual of queuing to get out of train stations and the humiliation of being robbed blind due to system malfunctions.
Muhammad says his favourite feature of the new system is when a user tops up their card and specifies that they don’t want a receipt. “They get one anyway!” the terrorist said, giggling, “It just slows everything down so much unnecessarily!”
Muhammad takes credit for naming the ticket system himself. “I believe there is an expression in English ‘taking the Myki’? It seemed like the perfect name”.
Like all successful terrorist attacks, Muhammad says the element of surprise was essential. “When Melburnians learnt that millions of dollars were being invested in an electronic-based system, the assumption was that it would be more efficient than the paper-ticket system. How much worse we managed to make it surprised even me”.
Muhammad admitted that Al Qaeda had tried to impose similar systems in London and Singapore but that their plans were thwarted when the governments in those cities chose to implement proper, functioning technology.
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I assume they are responsible for the desal plant as well
HAHAHAHAHAAHAH THUMBS UP!
seems legit…
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just returned from trip to Melbourne. We use public transport vhen visiting cities around the world. Melbourne public transport could be very good if ticketing system was better, simple and WORKING. We were sold wrong Myki tickets at first, then charged very different price for each person when traveling together. Staff in blue shirts giving confusing information. Old ticketing system we remember much better. Every day trip we were overcharged. Not cap $5.54 as we expected. If Melbourne want turist comming – it must do better. Very small number turist use taxi daily or hire car for dity trips.
Your spelling is horrid. >.> Sorry but your right on the myki and all that.
Yours is not much better Jamie – learn the difference between “your” and “you’re”. I also take it you are a native English speaker. Whereas, the comment above comes from somebody who visits cities around the world. Perhaps English is their second language?
Classic!
Your use of punctuation is terrible, Tom, especially when snidely criticizing the spelling and grammar of another person. Perhaps being a grammar nazi is your second vocation. If not, perhaps you would be happier in a less demanding and more suitable career, such as piranha fishing or sump cleaning.
I enjoyed your run on sentence Kass.
Jamie may have been reffering to Leona’s right to express her view on myki, in which case their use of ‘your’ is correct. Don’t be so quick to judge.
You’re right*
Yes his spelling is horrid but it’s ‘you’re right’ – just to be pedantic!
What a great read. Comments as interesting as article. I’m with Jamie (shame about the “you’re” though) on your spelling Leona. It is horrid. Second language or not, google translate is free. Hope you enjoyed the trip to Melbourne. (That’s snide sarasm, in case the tourist in question wasn’t familiar with the English language or culture). Wouldn’t want any misunderstandings.
It is unlikely Google Translate will translate to English with better grammar than most native speakers use…
If you want to be pedantic, perhaps you should punctuate your first sentence correctly, perhaps the following would improve your sentence structure:
“What a great read! The comments are as interesting as the article.”
Muphry’s law is alive and well amongst the Grammar and typo Nazis
I see what you did there.
Hate to tell you that your spelling isn’t much better. “Sorry, but you’re right”, it’s a shortening of you are, the apostrophe replaces the a. Get it right. Mind you they are right about Myki. A total stuff-up.
Thing is when it’s working it’s cheaper then the old MetCard and when it;s not it’s even cheaper … it;s free on the bus
)
Amazing how you focus just on the Melbourne side of it, yet it’s a state wide system, with the exception of Vline. Which is mind-boggling in itself.
It’s stuffed up public transport for the entire state, you Melbourne-centric jerk!
thats because nobody cares about what happens in the parts of Victoria that are not Melbourne. Deal with it.
Sorry, it’s already been done. It’s called Cityrail
Cityrail already did that
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Gold!
Your overuse of commas puts you in the same boat Kass.
I’ll give you a tip. When you write something, try saying it aloud. As an English teacher, I find this very helpful for my children. Bad grammar is ubiquitous these days. It makes me sad.
A Kind of Major Point – Myki has Cost Billions – With a “B” – $1,500,000,000 -that’s almost enough to run the entire train system for free for a few years. It’s a heck of a lot of schools and trains.
I’d bet a certain Big Blue chip company must be wishing that Al Qaeda would take responsibility for the $1,200,000,000 Queensland health payroll Non system as well.
Oh, and then there’s talentless and the useless excuse for a payroll system in New Zealand (Novopay or whatever it’s called).
None of these systems are complex, but somehow, they end up getting too expensive to fail.
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BBC admit Al Qaeda never existed
Myki is rubbish!
Lovely bit of satire Shovel – keep it coming! While the London system hasn’t brought quite the same level of chaos (that is served up regularly by the union-ised drivers, guards and station staff), it has brought commuters to their knees by being true to its Oyster name; overpriced, overrated and dreadfully difficult to get anything out of. One suspects al-qadea may have successfully infiltrated Transport for London….
Taking the Myki…. Yes!!! I am a frustrated commuter, the machine will not take my cash, then it will not accept my eftpos card, and, to top it off, I must wait in line to be served at the counter. It gets better (or worse),, on the way home, my Myki would not open the gate to let me get to my train. Aargh…. has anyone noticed that it just simply does not work effectively and you can completely forget about efficiency. Well done Shovel. Oh for all the grammarians out there, give it a break, we all know what people mean when they are typing on blogs and life is more than just full-stops and commas in the right place.
Love the part about the receipts. Shits me to tears. Because of that, it uses the same amount of paper as metcards, removing all possible benefit of an electronic system.
Also correction: myki IS being implemented on V/Line (how else could it be state wide, when most of the state is only serviced by them?). In fact V/Line stations were some of the first to get myki readers (afaik they still haven’t been turned on..).
And what is wrong with Oyster? It’s heaps cheaper than travelcards, and it actually works. It also works in Brisbane where it’s called ‘go’.
I think we should all get tollway tags that we can wear on our heads. That way commuters could run through the barriers as fast as we like and still have our travel validated effectively every time. Those things are free and the billing’s reliable. What do you say, Victorians?
Not millions mate. Not even hundreds of millions… It’s billions! (1.5 Billion to be exact.) Definitely taking the myki!
what does vic do? employ more inspectors and police to fine ppl fed up with faulty cards or over charging. I’m sick of being charged for a 2 hr trip everyitme i touch off. even if it’s minutes after the last one.